Friday, January 16, 2009

We interrupt this normally functional blog for...

Ok, so I was totally going to do this whole thing about my week and how boring it was but how that's fine because usually it's kind of insane, but then THIS happened:

Holy cr*p, holy cr@p, holy cr#p!!!!!!!

and I wanted to tell you guys about something awful, truly the second greatest threat to America (#1 obviously being...BEARS!), Geese.
Until this point I've gone along with the massive geese conspiracy, but I can keep silent NO LONGER I say. They're evil, and they're out to get us. They've run a pretty decent PR campaign up until now, successfully hiding their true identities:


But now we're on to them. There are multiple ways in which geese make our lives more annoying, and I say this as someone who has lived on Lake Michigan for an extended period of time, so I know these suckers.
1. They're aggressive (there's a reason you say "to goose someone")
2. They poo ALL OVER the place, and I won't go into how awful THAT is, but let's say that these birds are relatively hefty...that's all I'll say.
3. They are MINDLESS (as evinced by their propensity to fly into giant muther-trucking planes)
4. They aren't that cute
5. No one eats goose anymore, we aren't living in Dickensian England, so they aren't even THAT useful
6. And lastly, they do not always fly in the right direction. They fly wherever the equally "short bus" lead goose wants to go. Look up in the sky, you'll see what I mean.

Conclusion, will someone please release special goosemeat-eating gorillas in parachutes or something to take care of this problem? I think that's an invasive species we can all live with (see: The Three Stooges), and if the gorillas turn into a problem, to quote The Simpsons, "That's the beauty of the whole thing, in winter the gorrillas all just die off." (I don't actually mean that...gorillas are great, but that doesn't mean that geese aren't annoying as heck)

^This is the face of threat level RED right here^

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