Saturday, August 22, 2009

How to Identify a Frat Boy Fight Beneath Your Window

So I'm sitting in our sun room (yeah, we totally have one of those), and through a series of signals I became aware of a frat boy fight beneath my window. Now, I will QUICKLY say that I am a sorority girl, and I won't say the name of the sorority, because they don't like that, but this is coming from a place of deep understanding and maybe even empathy.

The windows are relatively obscured by a large tree, and at night it's hard to see from there onto the sidewalk, which is located too close to the door for proper viewing.

Signs that a Frat Boy Fight is Happening under your Door:

D-BAGS in 3 D! That's three Dimensions of D-Bag

1. Uneven patting of flip-flops on the pavement
this indicates that the person is drunk...and too "casual" to wear real shoes (and thus buys $50 sandals)
2. Murmuring of various volumes
a discussion is taking place between Connor and Chad
3. Shattering of glass bottles
there goes that bottle of Ed Hardy wine! Oops!
4. Patter increases volume, becomes more sporadic
physical altercation begins
5. Yelling involving the following phrases: "MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW..." "HEY HEY HEY HEY..." and then some girl yelling horsely "CHAD! GUYS! COME ON! STOP IT!"
self explanatory
6. Sound of windows opening and people yelling "MAN! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE"
indicates smarter/more sober minds intervening
7. Continued sounds of scuffling, maybe sound of ball cap hitting the street
boys continue to fight
8. Sound from second floor window, "I'M CALLIN' DA COPS!"
imposing threat
9. Utterance of "Man, you aren't even WORTH it."

End of altercation.

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